His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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