Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
