I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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