Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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