Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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