OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
