I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She's the barista slut.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
