Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
