There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
