why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
