fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
