im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
