We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
