I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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