I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
