I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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