there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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