Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize