i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
