When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
