So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
