So drunk its hurt
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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