I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
