how can u be prego again
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
