so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
