Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
