last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They have beer where we have blood.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
