respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize