From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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