my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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