i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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