Three words: puerto rican gang bang
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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