The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
