I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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