Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
