Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
