dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
