Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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