Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
