I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
