so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
