My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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