she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
