Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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