we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize