god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
