My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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