I think I won the penis lottery.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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