how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
