theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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