if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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