I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
