I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
