Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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