Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
