I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
