why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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